reignited
I’m reading a really wonderful book that challenges the way we look at success. I’ll share more information about it (and the title/author) at a later date. I’m mentioning it right now, because I’ve recently had my spark reignited for one of my loves: photography. I have a passion for the art, and a talent I’m not exploring. I’ll chant that until it penetrates. I’m about to take on some larger projects, and I can’t wait to see it all come to fruition.
This book makes valid points. I’m ready to put its advice into action. Stay tuned 
another rant.
back.
burner.
I spend a bit of time there, it seems. Maybe this is why people keep describing me as “patient” and “understanding” because they peek into my window and there I am. Chilling on this nice little piece of iron, just swinging my feet, whistling to myself.
I just don’t care about the excuses anymore. I don’t. Maybe I worry I’ll be misunderstood as cold, or rigid. Maybe I’m concerned about how my actions… even the completely justified ones… will be read by you. I’m not sure what keeps me from showing the whole of how I feel about my uncomfortable resting place back here. What I am sure of, is that it isn’t something I’m incredibly focused on at the moment. I’m emotionally exhausted, and I’ll accept my responsibility in that. I’ve gone over and over all the pieces to the puzzle, attempting to make them fit, and….you guessed it. No dice.
I know that if I expressed this, frankly, it would be met with explanations and legitimate reasons. I can’t deny that. There are things in the way of a better seat for me, and some of them are necessary. They just are. I think the problem is, the order of things. It’s strange to think that something that might pose a huge inconvenience gets pushed to the top of the list, while something super simple seems to be dreaded. It screws with my sense of security within the situation. Don’t misunderstand. I’m secure in who I am, and what I bring. I’m talking about stability within the relationship/interaction.
Continuing under the guise of “we’ll be alright”, or “it can wait”, or “they’ll understand” is faulty logic. It only appears to be safe. Maybe I’ve been wrong in not challenging it aggressively enough. That’s unfortunate, because I never realized I needed to. It’s getting tough to ignore the nagging feeling though. I’m not sure how to broach the issue without tables turning and fingers pointing back at me. I don’t want to attack. I just wish my needs were considered in the whole scheme of things. How often have I said that?
Consider me. Reoccurring theme.
I understand more than I’m given credit for. It can’t be easy juggling all these pieces of life and trying to fit someone in simultaneously. It’s hard for ME TOO! Why isn’t that taken into consideration? Just because I don’t complain when I have to rearrange my schedule, or take off, or work til 8 so that things flow more smoothly the next day doesn’t mean it doesn’t have its frustrating moments. I don’t always talk about how tired I am, or how much my shoulder aches (car accident battle scar). I don’t share the nights I find myself in tears because of something ridiculous that happened at work, or because a friend needed me and I honestly had no energy left to give. You juggle? I juggle too. I just make it a point to always put this part of my life…. in front. at the top. in bright neon colored post-its, so that it’s always on the priority list. I try not to be unpleasant, not to groan when things feel super out of balance. It isn’t easy, and I don’t always get it right…but I try.
I’m just… I’m tired. I don’t want to have to sit silently back here waiting for a schedule to open up, or for someone to not act as if they dread finding time to make it work. I’d like to be met with enthusiasm, with understanding, and with the same sort of patience others continue to remark I possess. I have weak moments, too.
Just having a rough moment, I guess. Maybe typing this will relieve some pressure. *shrugs*
Happy (ehh) Friday.
it’s beginning to hurt.
Funny how certain words can pierce through what you were certain was an otherwise durable exterior. Words linked together…like… “i don’t trust you.”
or…
“I’d rather work through it by myself.”
I don’t see the need to explain why the first sentence in quotes hit so hard, but maybe the next requires a little clarification. I talked to a friend earlier in the week who made me think about meanings and how we use them everyday. The meaning we ascribe to things has a tremendous effect on our emotional state. It colors the way we view others, ourselves and the world around us.
The conversation surfaced in my mind once again after this recent chip in my armor. I wondered why the sentence, the latter, stung so much. It’s because it screams: “I don’t trust you.” See the problem? Right back where we started. Not sure what to do about that. Not sure where to go from here. It’s incredibly late right now, and I’m exhausted. I mention this because I realize that sometimes things feel mammoth in size when one needs rest.
Sometimes I get scared. Scared of what will happen if I ever reach my real breaking point. Everyone has one. The people in my life seem to forget that. They forget that even though I offer my love, my support, my shoulder, etc… I get tired and upset and frustrated as well. I’m going through this life thing, too. I’m in this relationship, too. Your stuff? It affects me. Your choosing not to acknowledge it doesn’t make it any less so. I’m IN this. I want to partner. You feel powerless? hmmph. I feel powerless most of the time when these things come up. Feels like a locked door. I can see the light on inside. I can even hear the television on. If I’m really still and quiet, I can almost feel the vibration of your footsteps pacing back and forth. Yet, when I knock on your proverbial door…. no one answers.
“I don’t trust you.”
“I’d rather work through it by myself.”
It’s shutting me out. Whether deliberate or accidental. Whether you’ve considered how it affects me or not. Whether it feels uncomfortable or not… it’s shutting me out.
I don’t have the key. Even if you’d given it to me, I’d want to knock, maybe even call before I came… so you’d be ready, and I’d be welcome. ’cause right now? I’m definitely standing outside… waiting on you to decide to let me in. The thing is… how long can one stand on a doorstep and wait? Do you even want company inside that head and heart of yours? Trust is something that must be included in this equation… because I’m in cute shoes… but my feet are beginning to hurt.
