This book makes valid points. I’m ready to put its advice into action. Stay tuned

burner.

I spend a bit of time there, it seems. Maybe this is why people keep describing me as “patient” and “understanding” because they peek into my window and there I am. Chilling on this nice little piece of iron, just swinging my feet, whistling to myself.

I just don’t care about the excuses anymore. I don’t. Maybe I worry I’ll be misunderstood as cold, or rigid. Maybe I’m concerned about how my actions… even the completely justified ones… will be read by you. I’m not sure what keeps me from showing the whole of how I feel about my uncomfortable resting place back here. What I am sure of, is that it isn’t something I’m incredibly focused on at the moment. I’m emotionally exhausted, and I’ll accept my responsibility in that. I’ve gone over and over all the pieces to the puzzle, attempting to make them fit, and….you guessed it. No dice.

I know that if I expressed this, frankly, it would be met with explanations and legitimate reasons. I can’t deny that. There are things in the way of a better seat for me, and some of them are necessary. They just are. I think the problem is, the order of things. It’s strange to think that something that might pose a huge inconvenience gets pushed to the top of the list, while something super simple seems to be dreaded. It screws with my sense of security within the situation. Don’t misunderstand. I’m secure in who I am, and what I bring. I’m talking about stability within the relationship/interaction. 

Continuing under the guise of “we’ll be alright”, or “it can wait”, or “they’ll understand” is faulty logic. It only appears to be safe. Maybe I’ve been wrong in not challenging it aggressively enough. That’s unfortunate, because I never realized I needed to. It’s getting tough to ignore the nagging feeling though. I’m not sure how to broach the issue without tables turning and fingers pointing back at me. I don’t want to attack. I just wish my needs were considered in the whole scheme of things. How often have I said that?

Consider me. Reoccurring theme. 

I understand more than I’m given credit for. It can’t be easy juggling all these pieces of life and trying to fit someone in simultaneously. It’s hard for ME TOO! Why isn’t that taken into consideration? Just because I don’t complain when I have to rearrange my schedule, or take off, or work til 8 so that things flow more smoothly the next day doesn’t mean it doesn’t have its frustrating moments. I don’t always talk about how tired I am, or how much my shoulder aches (car accident battle scar). I don’t share the nights I find myself in tears because of something ridiculous that happened at work, or because a friend needed me and I honestly had no energy left to give. You juggle? I juggle too. I just make it a point to always put this part of my life…. in front. at the top. in bright neon colored post-its, so that it’s always on the priority list. I try not to be unpleasant, not to groan when things feel super out of balance. It isn’t easy, and I don’t always get it right…but I try. 

I’m just… I’m tired. I don’t want to have to sit silently back here waiting for a schedule to open up, or for someone to not act as if they dread finding time to make it work. I’d like to be met with enthusiasm, with understanding, and with the same sort of patience others continue to remark I possess. I have weak moments, too. 

Just having a rough moment, I guess. Maybe typing this will relieve some pressure. *shrugs*

Happy (ehh) Friday.

or…

“I’d rather work through it by myself.”

I don’t see the need to explain why the first sentence in quotes hit so hard, but maybe the next requires a little clarification. I talked to a friend earlier in the week who made me think about meanings and how we use them everyday. The meaning we ascribe to things has a tremendous effect on our emotional state. It colors the way we view others, ourselves and the world around us.

The conversation surfaced in my mind once again after this recent chip in my armor. I wondered why the sentence, the latter, stung so much. It’s because it screams: “I don’t trust you.” See the problem? Right back where we started. Not sure what to do about that. Not sure where to go from here. It’s incredibly late right now, and I’m exhausted. I mention this because I realize that sometimes things feel mammoth in size when one needs rest.

Sometimes I get scared. Scared of what will happen if I ever reach my real breaking point. Everyone has one. The people in my life seem to forget that. They forget that even though I offer my love, my support, my shoulder, etc… I get tired and upset and frustrated as well. I’m going through this life thing, too. I’m in this relationship, too. Your stuff? It affects me. Your choosing not to acknowledge it doesn’t make it any less so. I’m IN this. I want to partner. You feel powerless? hmmph. I feel powerless most of the time when these things come up. Feels like a locked door. I can see the light on inside. I can even hear the television on. If I’m really still and quiet, I can almost feel the vibration of your footsteps pacing back and forth. Yet, when I knock on your proverbial door…. no one answers.

“I don’t trust you.”

“I’d rather work through it by myself.”

It’s shutting me out. Whether deliberate or accidental. Whether you’ve considered how it affects me or not. Whether it feels uncomfortable or not… it’s shutting me out. 

I don’t have the key. Even if you’d given it to me, I’d want to knock, maybe even call before I came… so you’d be ready, and I’d be welcome. ’cause right now? I’m definitely standing outside… waiting on you to decide to let me in. The thing is… how long can one stand on a doorstep and wait? Do you even want company inside that head and heart of yours? Trust is something that must be included in this equation… because I’m in cute shoes… but my feet are beginning to hurt.

By the time you’ve reached your thirties, you’ve most likely had a ton of your own experiences, both good and bad. They have molded you into much of what you see in the mirror, and those that haven’t have most certainly played at least a small part in the way you think about things, big and small. We are not our circumstances, we are not our pasts. This is true. We are, however, a product (usually) of both. It can typically be found, if one looks hard enough. For some of us, we spend many years attempting to fix the broken parts in hopes that resolution will bring about peace, understanding, and a more productive present and future. Others of us bury those experiences. We wave our fictional wands and with one shake, one abracadabra, the hurt from our past is gone… at least in fantasy.

No matter your choice of handling the situation, none of us can deny that whether significant or trivial, we are affected. Buried or confronted, they, your experiences… happened.

Looking at this from the context of a relationship, things begin to get a bit more complicated, because although our experiences and past happenings belong to us…. They now also affect someone else. Perhaps, someone new. The person you choose to get involved with, to like a lot, or love, will inevitably inherit your stuff, just as you will inherit theirs. This is where the work comes into the picture.

I’m trying to figure out where my place is within a particular framework. Let me be honest with myself. I know where my place is, I simply want another individual to clear off enough space for me to inhabit that place. We all have a story- a long, sad, devastating heartbreak story. We’ve loved someone. Trusted them with something beautiful and precious, just to see them do a pretty little tap dance on it, on our hearts and walk away like it was child’s play. We’re all familiar with the months, and sometimes years of suffering and mourning that followed before we felt like ourselves again. It’s probably safe to say that more than a few of us thirty-something’s have made promises to never let that happen again. Locked up that big red beating muscle in the center of our chests and threw away the key. Here we are, safe in our boxes. Then out of nowhere, love taps on your shoulder and you wake up a year later feeling like you’ve been hit over the head by cupid without your full (or even partial) consent. Now what? Now, you apply everything you’ve learned from those awful failed relationships to this one. You do the opposite of everything you’ve ever done and avoid anything even halfway close to a risk. That’s the way to a sure fire successful relationship!

Wrong.

It’s the way to most certainly end the one you’re in and punish the person who has nothing to do with the other jerks you’ve invited in.

Please understand me. As someone who both loves love, and is frustrated by it on the daily, I get that playing games with the heart, yours or someone else’s isn’t worth the heart wrenching pain that may follow. I hope to never, ever go through that again. What I also know though, is that penalizing the new person in your life for the evil deeds of a former is counterproductive. It hurts, and leads to eventual resentment.

I know that if you’re thirty plus there isn’t much you maybe haven’t done in relationships. I won’t be your first kiss, or your first intimate (sexual) encounter. I won’t be the first woman you’ve stared at in the moonlight, or held hands with in the cold winter months. My eyes won’t be the first to greet you with a reassuring smile when you’ve had a bad day, or are unsure of a big decision. There won’t be a ton of firsts, in the way of major milestones for me, with you. I’ve accepted that. There are however, many things about me, that I am positive, you’ve never encountered. None of them have anything to do with you…. And everything to do with me. I’m just… a different kinda gal. I’m unlike anyone you’ve ever met, and in the event your journey doesn’t stop with me… I’m confident you’ll not meet another quite like me. This isn’t boastful speech, it is simply an acknowledgement of…. Well…. Me. My distinguishing personality which may even border on peculiar at times (lol) is something even I don’t run across every day.

I want to create beautiful memories with you. I want to do things we’ve never done, and feel things never felt. I want to try this out, and that out, and talk about liking or hating it later. I’m not her. I didn’t do what she did, and I won’t hurt you the way she did. I don’t have a magic 8 ball to shake, and lately my fortune cookies haven’t provided much insight, but I know one thing. We’re both capable, intelligent, intuitive people who have a few common goals. One of which, is to avoid getting hurt, and hurting each other. I think it’s time to realize that not allowing a relationship to grow, that by shutting down all that is new and unfamiliar, we hurt each other. We stunt the growth, and we lose at the game of love.

I want to be here. In this space. With you. I want to look back in a couple years and laugh til tears drop about the funny things we tried. I want to establish cute personal customs and traditions that make sense to no one but you and me, and do them over and over again. You can do the same things you’ve always done, or choose to never do anything new because it hasn’t been done before…. But you could also do (or not do) those things alone. You don’t need another person for that. I don’t want to be punished for what they did. I don’t want to deprive this relationship of new beautiful experiences because of something that didn’t work out before we existed. It’s the furthest from fair, and we’re the ones who suffer while the ghosts of the past go on without a thought.

I want to be your first. At many things. Maybe I’ll be the first to help you step across that line… the one marking the end of your comfort zone.  Maybe you’ll let me into this space, finally… i often feel as if there are more than two in the relationship. Perhaps it’s time to let those other ladies get packed up and remove their baggage from our cozy abode. Besides, two is usually easier to handle than four, anyways. Here’s to firsts, in the New Year. 

I know who I am. I know what I deserve. I know how hard I work. I know how real and rare my heart is.

 I will not settle for being anyone’s good enough. I will not settle for being settled on.

 Don’t misunderstand me. No one, and I do mean no. one. Would be settling to be with me.

 Let’s clear a few things up before I go any further. I’m talking about me as your lover, your friend, your coworker, your relative, your confident, your advice giver, your stylist, your chef, etc.

So let’s keep this general.

I believe that we can have what we want.

Most of the time.

Seriously though… I think when it comes to most of our desires, we’re usually what stands in our own way. We come with a million things that aren’t going exactly the way we’ve planned… we can count all the parts of life that aren’t going our way, but there are usually remedies to these problems if we’re willing to search a little more and work a bit harder.

That’s not what I came to talk about, lol.

I know what I want, and I plan to go after it and make it happen. This applies to every area of life. I expect those who are close to me to do the same. Now, to make this a little more personal… don’t settle for good enough. The idea that I’m somehow… not what you wanted… but maybe just what you need? Makes me feel a little nauseous.

I’ve had this conversation too many times, but I plan to break it down one last time, right here. I want to be everything you want. When I speak those words, people assume I’m saying I want someone to look at me and think, “wow, she’s perfect in every way! She’s the perfect coworker, team leader, girlfriend, driver, etc”

That’s not what I’m saying!

There have been people who have walked through my life some for a moment, others are still hanging on… and I did NOT expect them. I didn’t expect to get close to them or befriend them… some of them I didn’t even think I’d like very much. Life happened and we were somehow put together in this big ol mixing bowl and we stuck. I got to see different sides and show them mine. We discovered commonalities and ended up wanting to learn more. These people have become friends, family, boyfriends, bestfriends…

They’ve become the individuals I trust with everything I am.

Many if not most of them arrived in my life as a surprise.

Some of these people were…

Well they were everything I never knew I wanted… and yes, what I needed.

Not once did I feel like I was settling. I arrived in a new city more than a decade ago. Too young to start this new phase of my life, I was eager to meet new people, have new experiences. A fresh-faced Christian girl met a gangly year older Jewish girl and before they knew it, they’d be inseparable. With all of our differences and distance, she was what I never thought I’d ever want in a bestfriend. Though we’re no longer close, I’m thankful for all the beautiful years we spent growing up together.

I have tons of stories like that one. Some that would surprise any reader…I won’t go into those…

I like me, a lot. Anyone that knows me will tell you that. Some even joke about me liking myself a bit too much, lol… but I like me, because I’ve worked on myself, and I’m still working on myself. It’s like painting on a canvas. You keep working and adding finishing touches to make it better and better. When your hard work pays off, of course you like it! You know what it took, the changes it went through, and what each piece means to you. My friends don’t know how much I pray for them. I pray for the big things, but I also pray for the little things. I pray for small successes and for a reduction in minor irritations. I pray for mood stabilizers and day makers. I pray for easy parking spaces, for good uses of time. I pray for handy study breaks, for healthy immune systems, and for peaceful evenings after work. I pray for peace. I pray for your happiness. See, I don’t always tell them this… I don’t tell you that I’m not surprised when something that’s been stressing you out gets resolved… because I’ve prayed about it. Please don’t misunderstand this… I’m not insinuating that my prayers alone make miracles happen all the time, though I believe they DO have that power. I’m just simply saying that prayer works, and I put that into practice all.the.time.

That’s the kind of heart I have. I think of my loved ones all day and all night. So you see, when I tell you I’m awesome? It’s not because I bought the latest pair of jeans, or the newest lacefront wig. It’s not because I’ve spent two hours primping in front of the mirror. It’s definitely not because I’ve got a million bucks in savings. It’s because I know the type of person I am. I know what you get, when you get me. I know how much fun we’ll have. I’m thinking about how much we’ll laugh… how many different experiences we’ll have together. I think about the conversations we’ll have and how we’ll challenge each other’s thinking and ideas. I think about the way we’ll sometimes be frustrated, only to work through it and realize how much stronger it made us. I think about how much I’ll love you… even when you don’t deserve it… and how you’ll do the same for me.

No. settling will never be something that applies to me. You get too much. To be honest, until recently, I’ve never given this topic much thought. I’ve always had my pick of who I wanted to include in my life. I never sought after friendships, they came to me without effort. I never wondered about a romantic relationship. Instead, I spent most weeks saying no to the guys (many, of them) who asked me out. I’ve always made good impressions on employers, on strangers even. Sounds conceited as hell, huh? It’s not, though. I’m being very honest in this moment…. Because I keep hearing people say that God brings you what you need… and while I do agree with that, I think it’s quite possible for want and need to be one in the same.

I don’t want to be the girl you don’t really want… but you stay with because she’s who you need. We both lose if that’s the case. I’ll feel it, and you’ll struggle to remain faithful because of what you actually want. I don’t want to fight that battle in any situation. It’s not worth it.

I was newly surprised by someone. What I wanted? Not sure. I don’t think I knew what I wanted to be honest. What I needed? I think so. After some thought… after some time… I realized. I never knew I wanted this. Could that be what you mean?

I couldn’t bear not being what you wanted… nor would I want you to miss out on someone who was truly… that.

 Just something for us all to consider. Don’t settle. I don’t ever plan to.

The weather began to turn a little cooler, and there was a slight breeze in the air. They’d made plans to hang out and do a few things together that day. They went to get ice cream, and without considering how chilly it would be, her hands nearly froze as she tried to hold her cup and down her rocky road treat. He laughed at her and teased while enjoying his pralines and cream on a cone. When they’d both finished, he simply laughed, then grabbed her hands and held them close to him until they defrosted. She leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder, hands in his…

Moment 2:

They had plans. It was all she knew. He’d told her what to wear, and what time to be ready. That was it. He had been teasing her all week, mainly because he knew it drove her crazy to not be in control…. But secretly, she loved every bit. She walked into her closet, taking a few dresses off the hangers and holding them against her curvy frame. She did the same for each dress. Walked over to the mirror, turned sideways, twirled, and stood on tiptoes, imagining it with heels. “Impossible!” she thought. How could she possibly select an appropriate outfit without knowing where they’d be going? The thought triggered a phone call. He answered, and after listening to her mini playful rant, responded with a calm, “you’re always beautiful. Always. Wear any of those dresses, and you’ll be the prettiest girl in the room. I love you. Please don’t make this hard, love.” Something about the way he said “love” always made her heart skip a beat. She felt an ease sweeping over her, smiled, and said okay. As she put the phone on the table, she suddenly knew exactly which dress to wear. She put on some music, took a steamy shower, and started getting ready. Two hours later her doorbell rang, and there he stood, looking like something off of a magazine cover. He usually leaned in immediately for a hug and kiss, but tonight was different. His eyes were almost dancing as he glanced over her body. He took a breath, and in nearly a whisper, said, “oh wow… you’re…. breathtaking.” She felt like it was their first date. “what in the world… am I nervous?” She thought to herself as little butterflies floated about in her tummy. He put an arm around her waist and kissed her passionately. They walked downstairs to his car and before he opened her door, he handed her a little package. It was a fortune cookie. She looked at him, confused. “Open it as you get in” he said. She did… inside was a personalized fortune that read: I’m glad it was you.

Not Cinderella or Snow White… I’ve had to drastically update mine, or course, as there aren’t too many places for guys to come riding in on white horses to save gals here in the city, lol.

I do however believe in very special moments. Moments that take your breath away, that make you feel like you’re in the middle of a fairytale. I believe we can create opportunities for beautiful moments that make you feel like you’re in another land… with the person of your dreams. The moments that feel like movie kisses, like the minute he rescues her from herself…. you know what I mean.

We don’t take advantage of those chances. People are so content living lives filled with monotonous, boring, every day stuff… when we could make magic happen! We could make that person we love feel things they’ve never felt before… I love those moments! I live for those moments! I hope and wish for more of those in my life.

I’m going to start a series about moments. True or imaginary? I’ll never tell! *wink* Some will be grandiose and spectacular, while others will be small gestures that made him or her feel like Juliet… (or Romeo).

You’ll see these pop up from time to time. I’m titling them “moments.” Simple enough, huh?

Let me know if something makes you warm and fuzzy!

I’ve been asked this question more than a couple times in my day as well, and I was reflecting on my answers the other day. I’m no longer looking so it was interesting to think back on what I considered important. Interesting, because the traits I listed were ones I desired in not only a romantic partner, but of anyone who would be special to me in my life. They were things I required of my friends as well. I won’t tell you everything my list included, but I’ll let you in on one item. Considerate.

I wanted him to be considerate. I want everyone in my life to be considerate. I’m requiring this of my family, my friends, my significant other, my coworkers, and even my neighbors. Be thoughtful. Think of the world outside of yourself. Be considerate.

This all came to mind because of the last few weeks I’ve had. I didn’t realize how stressed I’ve been until last Friday. I had a rough day that left me in tears, and with tense muscles. I went to a concert and reconnected with some special people. Hours later after lots of dancing, singing at the very top of my lungs, and many hugs and kisses from friends, I felt like a new person.

You see, I spend my days considering other people. If I love you, I ask you how you’re doing… not to make small talk, or be sweet, but because I genuinely want to know HOW you’re doing. I want to know how your day or week went. I want to know what you’ve been bothered with, what burden you’ve been carrying around with you, and how I can help you with it. I want to be a bright spot in your day, a bit of sunshine after a lot of cloudiness and rain. I’ll listen, or give you advice. I’ll add you to my prayers and send you positive energy and well wishes. I’ll surprise you with something I know will make you smile, I’ll hug you until I’ve physically transferred enough good energy into your physical being. I’ll take a long drive around town with you while you sort things out. I’ll leave your favorite candy lying on your desk after your break, pick up your favorite magazine and put it on your car windshield right before you get off. I will consider you.

I will…consider…. You.

Will you consider me? Do you consider me? I think people get so used to me being in that position. The giver role… that they forget I need that too. You get so caught up in your own life, with your own stuff, that you stop looking outside of yourself. I’m here too. I’m dealing with my own stuff, and I’d very much like it if you’d care about that.  I want you to call me up for nothing at all but to ask how I am. Not just ask, but listen, intently. I want you to sympathize and empathize with me, and give me advice. GIVE ME ADVICE! I don’t always know what to do, and sometimes… I don’t want to figure it out alone. Your advice doesn’t have to be groundbreaking; it just has to be heartfelt.

Consider what would make me happy. Think about what would make me smile. Is there something sweet you could do that would make my day brighter? I’m not asking anyone to spend a lot of money. We’re all just out here trying to make it. I’ve never asked a friend or family member to send me to Italy for a month, lol. I’d love to just be surprised with something small. Something you put thought into because you wanted to lift my mood or make me feel appreciated. I’d love a handwritten card expressing how you feel about me. See how simple that is? Consider me.

Think about how I feel after a long day. Realize that I go through my own stuff and would sometimes just like to be held in a long hug until I feel better. Allow me to be the one who is silent while YOU give ME a pep talk. Believe it or not, positive words really do help. I just sometimes need to be reminded that things will work out.

I’d like my friends and family and loved ones to think about me sometimes. I don’t think it’s deliberate, but I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I take on a lot, emotionally. Even with the craziness occurring all around me, I attempt to remain pretty calm and collected. I keep it together mostly, but when I have a moment and I’m not handling a situation perfectly people seem to get uncomfortable. I’m very human. I’m not superwoman and I need the same things you need.

Please consider that, and consider me.

Thank you.

We all generally live by a similar code of norms. Most of us know what is acceptable and what would be considered offensive in different arenas, and those of us who wish not to insult, attempt to remain within those bounds. Of course these norms apply to several areas: attire, hygiene, manners, general appearance, etiquette, etc.

Please note that I said we live by a “similar” code, not identical. Even with that, similar is relative. You’re probably wondering why that matters at all. It matters because it is one of the biggest causes of conflict within relationships (of all and any kind). We assume that our code is the same as the next person’s, and when their behavior doesn’t line up with said code, there is a bit of a problem. There is a wonderful solution to this issue and it has everything to do with communication.

You have to tell people what you’re thinking, what you desire, what is problematic for you, what you need. It seems so simple when you think of it that way, but putting it into action is always more difficult. I think many of us assume that those close to us know us well enough to know what we want, what we need. It isn’t always the case, though.

I express my needs and wants verbally so that no one is confused by me. I communicate these things so that I remain open and honest… and so that the people I love know what I’m feeling and where they stand with me. It isn’t always welcomed. I think I might be a little of a rare breed when it comes to this subject. Some aren’t quite sure how to take my honest communication, or what to do with it. It really is simple, though. I say how I feel. I wish you’d do the same for me. Most of us aren’t mind readers, so assuming I know what to do for you… even when I know you well won’t always fare well.

I’m currently working to find a balance with my communication. Not everything needs to be communicated…. But I’d like for it to be. There is a new season approaching, and it happens to be my very favorite one of all. I’ve decided to devote some time to my gift. If you’ve known me for a while you know of which I speak. It requires quiet, and a lot of introspection. During this time my communication style will have to be altered slightly. I’ll depend much on intuition and divine guidance, but I’ll also let those around me take up some of the slack.

Make it a point to be intentional with your communication. Tell others what you’re feeling. Be honest about what you desire, and what you need. Do it with love, and watch how well they respond to you. I think you’ll be surprised.

Happy expressing.

That’s wisdom I received tonight. I was worried about reading the signs. I’m beyond emotionally exhausted, so instead of explaining everything, I’ll just share with you a little story. You’ve probably heard it before.

It’s the one where a man gets stranded on an island. He of course is scared and worried, so he prays fervently to God. He said, “Lord, I trust you… I know you’ll save me.” A little boat with a man comes sailing by. They signal to him and say, “Oh gosh! you’re stranded here? Come aboard and I’ll get you some help!” The man says, “No thank you. God will save me.” So he waits, getting more tired, and heat sick. Still praying, he looked up to the heavens and prayed, “Lord, I know this looks bad, but I trust you. I know you will save me and deliver me from this situation.” A little later, a helicopter comes hovering over. It hovered low enough for the men inside to yell down to him that they were going to send down a ladder. He yelled back, “No thanks! I am waiting and i believe God will save me!” So the men shook their heads in disbelief, and flew on away. The man is now hungry, and feeling more and more weak. Yet, he continues to pray. “God, please make a way off of this island for me. I trust you.” A motorboat with the Coastguard pulled up close to shore to help the man, and yet again, he turned them down. After all of these hours had passed, he fell to his knees and said, “Lord Jesus, I have obeyed you. I have listened and trusted you. Why are you forsaking me?” The Lord said to him, ” I have heard your prayers. I have listened to each one. I sent you a boat, a helicopter, and the Coastguard. I gave you what you asked for. You just didn’t see them.”

I struggle with letting go of the reigns. Part of it is my natural analytical being, but the bigger part, is that I want to do what God would have me do. I believe that His will is what will be the best for my life. I believe that if I’m obedient, if I watch for the signs, and heed His warnings, I’ll stay on the right path. The issue, is that whole free will thing. I feel like God gave us free will and common sense, so that we might figure some things out on our own. I worry sometimes that He sends me signs.. much like helicopters and sailboats, in order for me to hop on board and save myself. If that is the case, what if I don’t see them? What if I don’t catch those little signs and I end up on the wrong path? That would mean all my good intended work and figuring would have been in vain.

What I heard tonight from someone I trust… was that this isn’t the way God works. He does send signs, and rescue… but He ultimately wants the best for us… so He’ll never let us miss a sign, and be doomed. If God wants me to make a left turn, and I’m looking too hard at the right, He will make sure that right hand lane is full.

I can’t truly say I trust God, if I’m always trying to figure things out for myself. Sure, He wants me to use my common sense and not be a fool… he just also wants me to know that when I don’t understand something, or when things don’t seem to be going the way I planned, that HE is the one who orchestrated it, and part of my journey, is to learn to trust Him. I realize that part of my question asking, and problem solving, and over analyzing has to do with an internal faith struggle. Not because I don’t have it, but because I’m not always sure of how it works. I wonder if I’m supposed to do more work, or simply be still and silent and pray. I never know which the Lord wishes for me to do… and I get in the way of what He had in store, all because I’m so busy trying to “fix” something.

I got really great advice tonight. It was to be still. To stop. To sit and be still and let the process, be a process. I have to stop attempting to get to the end before I go through the middle. Some stuff won’t make sense. It won’t have an answer… and though, I would like to be allowed to question my human friends if I get to a brick wall and can’t go through it from time to time…. I need to practice just…. being.

so for now, I’m here. I’m still. I’m trusting God to not let me fall into a whole I can’t get out of. I’ll tell you… so far? It feels a heck of a lot better than ruminating on something without ever getting any resolve.